Friday, February 20, 2015

The Justice League movie is going to suck.

You can say you heard it here first. Not that I’m the first, technically. There were people saying that before there was even a movie in production. But I’m saying it officially. It saddens me to say it. I wish it were otherwise. But it’s gonna suck. That’s just the reality.

It will suck because the building blocks that will compose it are going to suck.  It cannot be greater than the sum of its parts. Batman vs. Superman (or is it Superman vs. Batman? I can’t remember, and I really don’t care) is gonna suck. And without the bedrock of this film to support it, the big Justice League film will collapse under its own weight.

So why, exactly, will the JL movie fail? Here are a few reasons, in no particular order.

>WB is rushing it.
The reason the Avengers worked was because Marvel took their time putting all the pieces in place. And they made sure that each standalone movie—Iron Man, Thor, Captain America—was worthy in and of itself. Time-Warner is in a hurry to get to the big payoff when they haven’t developed their independent properties yet.

>Too many characters.
Tied in to the whole “rushing it” thing is the desire to cram all the major characters into Supes vs. Bats. Remember what happened when they put 4 villains into Spider-man 3? Oversaturation, peeps, will sink any movie.

>Politics over tradition.
Yes, Jason Momoa looks pretty cool as Aquaman, I have to say. But Aquaman isn’t Polynesian. He just isn’t. There are several decades of established character history here that the studio is ignoring in an attempt to be politically correct and have a more racially diverse Justice League. And yes, in times past most superheroes were white thirtysomething males. There was a lack of diversity. But y’know what? That’s history. You can’t just discard it without throwing the baby out with the bathwater. In this case, the “baby” is everything that makes the character who he is. And what’s with Cyborg being in the Justice League now, anyway? He was a member of the Teen Titans like, forever. But you gotta have a black superfriend, don’tcha, Hollywood? Tokenism does a disservice to minorities. It also makes for bad movies.

>This is the big one, peeps. Batman.
Simply put, none of it will hold up without Batman. By miscasting the character, they guaranteed that nothing they did afterward would work. Ben Affleck is a likeable guy, and he’s a good actor. He was great in Hollywoodland. But he does NOT possess the gravitas to pull off the Dark Knight. WB should have thrown as much money at them as it took to get Christopher Nolan and Christian Bale to be a part of this series. Hell, since they’re going for an older, grizzled Batman (which will lead to the necessity of the inevitable reboot, but that’s another problem), they should have brought back Michael Keaton!  Affleck just ain’t got the chops. And without Batman, there is no Justice League. The whole thing falls apart without him.

Thus the franchise as a whole is doomed. Don’t expect anything else. While I concede that I could be wrong, it isn’t likely. Where the geek movies are concerned, at least, I am almost never wrong, not even when I want to be. Hollywood studios could save a fortune if they just checked with me to see if a particular property would fly or not before giving it the greenlight.  For example, as soon as I heard that they’d cast Jamie Foxx in Amazing Spider-Man 2, I said, “Well, there goes that franchise.” And I was right. R.I.P.D.? I said it would bomb spectacularly, and it did. Same with Jonah Hex. Same with Whiteout, Total Recall, Jupiter Ascending, Night at the Museum 3. The list goes on and on. Based solely on my own interest, or lack thereof, in a geek movie, I can predict with 90% accuracy whether or not it will be a success. That’s how I can say with confidence that the whole WB Justice League franchise is dead before it even gets off the ground. Splat. I hope I’m proven wrong. I really do. But I don’t think I will be.

Oh, and as a P.S to all this, to underscore just how clueless the studios are when it comes to putting together a successful DC superhero movie, I offer as exhibit whatevah The Flash. They cast Ezra Miller. Seriously? Ezra Miller? Not only does this little twit lack gravitas to pull off the role, he’s in the negative numbers where gravitas is concerned! And by not going with the guy from the TV show (he ain’t no heavy hitter in the gravitas department, either, but he looks like a heavyweight compared to Ezra "the Twit" Miller), they’re alienating a sizeable chunk of their target audience right out the gate. SMH.

Lastly, lest any of you think I’m just down on DC, I also predict the upcoming Deadpool and Gambit movies will suck ass.
Channing Tatum makes even the Twit look like a good casting choice.